I love scratching out days past on timetables (think STPM timetables). This habit has carried on to college. I’m scratching out months on my academic timetable. Boom. Three months gone. And I’m not settled emotionally. Five more till exams. And I’m already getting nightmares.
YES. I have been complaining and complaining and complaining. It’s unhealthy.
To the Form 6 gang, you have no idea how much I miss you all. I could just give each of you huge bear hugs the moment I see you (regardless of whether you want me to or not). You guys are the most supportive people. I’ve never had a group of friends as tight as you, and I doubt I could find one like this. You’re the best.
Don’t worry. I’m not going to get mushy.
Loneliness really does eat into you like a disease. I despise small talk and avoid it like a plague, which is odd, because I’m reading law. That’s a negative to making friends. Maybe God does listen. There were two days in a row where I was and felt so alone, I just stopped in my tracks in the stairwell and prayed. Just a few minutes later, He answered.
Back in school, I was always active. When it came to co-curriculum – number one. Now, I’m learning how to take the backseat – to be the supporter and not the head. It’s humbling and it takes strength.
During this time, I’ve also been struggling to find a church. I’ve attended five churches in 3 months, endured the public ‘newcomer welcome’ three times, smiled and engaged in small talk. And I’m still uncertain. Going to church should be where I can exhale and sit at His feet, but my guards are up.
I hang out more often with my Ipoh friends, it’s odd. But just after meeting them, I’d be beaming for over a few days. BB makes everything wonderful.
I’m weary. I can only conclude that I need one thing – a sense of belonging.